[M-OOM] Alderaan

[organicmeatbag]

It was not until the excitement of owning a new house, and soon to be moving into it, caught up to him that Revan realized that the one person he wanted to share the news with the most was not talking to him. Caught up in the flurry of house-hunting and trying to prepare for the babies, it had been easy to put aside thoughts of Bastila (and the others too).

But then with everything winding down, only the looming arrival of the babies ahead, did it hit Revan how much he missed Bastila. And he truly missed her. She had been a constant presence for more than a year, especially with their Force bond, and had played a huge part in his life. And then she was just...no longer there (and it hurt more than it had while he was in the Unknowns because she was so close and yet so far away).

So after finally trudging up the courage to do so, he attempted to contact Bastila again, trying first the Temple and then the Enclave.

Comments

[jedi-bastila.livejournal.com]

There was a reason Bastila wasn’t talking to Revan; an excellent one, she’d dare to say. She doubted anyone expected her to welcome him with open arms in the current circumstances, after all. Everyone knew that she had faithfully waited his return from the Unknown Regions, carrying the tasks he’d given her before leaving. Everyone knew, as well, that he had returned with a pregnant new girlfriend in tow. Her shame was public.

Could anyone blame her for wanting to deal with this terrible blow in private, away from enquiring eyes, away from Revan’s presence and from the Exile’s growing belly, constant reminder of his betrayal? If anyone could, they were nothing but nerfherders in her book. After relying on her Bond with Revan for so long, wanting nothing more than to feel his presence through it again, she now was blocking it, the gifted bond turned into painful link. She needed all her strength to recall the Jedi Code and repeat as a mantra, “There is no emotion, there is peace.” Too often she’d wiped a tear as she recited, “There is no passion, there is serenity.”

She’d just got back from training when her private quarters’ holotransceiver alerted her to a call. Longing for a shower, she hoped she could keep the communication short as she answered the call. Her face fell when Revan’s figure appeared in holographic form in front of her. Tempted to end the call immediately, she fought the impulse. “Revan,” she said in a cold voice.

[organicmeatbag.livejournal.com]

Revan had been about to give up when she answered and he froze at the sight of her, his heart almost leaping out of his chest it was beating so fast. (And had it really been four years since he's seen her?) He wanted to smile and, if she had been in the same room with him, he'd have had the impulse to hug her.

In fact, there were lots of things he wanted to say and do at the sight of her, but the cold greeting, which he had been expecting, helped to tamper down the rising excitement within.

And he swallowed, his throat feeling tight and stomach churning as unease started to take over.

"Hi Bas."

[jedi-bastila.livejournal.com]

Hi Bas. Simple words, mundane words, and yet they shook her down to the core. His voice… She’d missed his voice. So many years since she’d last heard him speak – a live conversation, not a recording. Recordings didn’t have half the warmth of his real voice.

A warmth only rivalled by the cold of her own voice as she replied, “Why did you call?”

What could he want with her now? He had a new girlfriend. He was expecting a baby. What did he want from her, her forgiveness? Her understanding? Her benediction? If so, he was more of a dwarfnut than she ever thought.

[organicmeatbag.livejournal.com]

His unease continued to grow until it was hanging around him like a dark cloud, probably visible through even the hologram projection. He stamped it away though, clearing his throat, and he was his (somewhat) confident self once more.

Eyebrows raised, he tossed the question back to her: "Why did I call? Perhaps because it's been two months and you've not returned any of my messages. Or because I missed you and I needed to."

Both true, and there were so many more reasons too.

[jedi-bastila.livejournal.com]

“Did you stop to consider why I didn’t return any of your messages?” Bastila asked, her voice turned from cold to icy. She was boiling inside. How could he call her and complain about unanswered messages? How could he call her and tell her that he missed her? He missed her? He missed her! After all he’d done, after he’d been the one to cheat on her, after he’d been the one to left her hanging, after he’d come back with a pregnant girlfriend…

Oh the nerve of him!

[organicmeatbag.livejournal.com]

"Of course I had. Do you think that would dissuade me from trying time and again though?" he asked, meeting her icy tone with one of patience. Did she think he would no longer fight for the things he believed in? Many things might have changed about him in the Unknowns, but that was not one of them.

While their relationship might not be quite as it was, he held to the hope that one day she might be able to forgive him, to see past his indiscretions and accept him as a friend once more. And he was prepared to wait for however long it may take as she once waited for him.

[jedi-bastila.livejournal.com]

“Clearly I should have known better,” she snapped, “than to hope for you to understand my reticence.” She was sweaty. She was tired. She was angry. She wanted nothing more than to turn off the holotransceiver and not see Revan’s beautiful face in front of her anymore. She wanted to find the privacy of a shower stall to hide the tears she knew were coming. Of all moment for Revan to see her, it had to be when she was dishevelled and dirty…

[organicmeatbag.livejournal.com]

Revan had known this was going to be hard, but her apparent bitter anger was starting to tug at him and making it all the harder. She had all the right to hate him, to turn off the holotransciever and never talk to him again even though he hoped she wouldn't, and of course he knew there would be anger.

He just hadn't expected to be as loathed as he felt he was by her. And he could deal with being loathed by others, but not by Bastila.

He restrained the urge to rub at his eyes, which were feeling dry, and he had to swallow once more before he uttered, "I never meant to hurt you."

[jedi-bastila.livejournal.com]

“It’s good to know,” she retorted wily, “that you didn’t mean to hurt me, you just accidentally slept with someone else while I was waiting for you here. You just accidentally got her pregnant and you just accidentally made a fool out of me. Of course.”

She knew that she should remain calm and collected. She knew that she shouldn’t let anger blind her. She knew that she ought to remember the Jedi Code. But it was impossible to do now. She’d gone against the Masters’ teachings to love Revan, and where had it lead her? Years of longing and faithful waiting in vain. Betrayal. Public shame.

And a broken heart.

She knew she ought to forego emotions in favour of peace, passion in favour of serenity… but she couldn’t. Not yet. Not now.

[organicmeatbag.livejournal.com]

"I'm not claiming that it was an accident," he trudged on, mustering as much strength as he needed to deal with this. "I never went out and sought her or anyone though. It just happened. I was weak and alone and I was...taken by her."

[jedi-bastila.livejournal.com]

Bastila’s eyebrow quirked at his words. “Oh, so it’s all her fault and you’re the poor victim? You former Dark Lord of the Sith, fallen prey to a woman’s wile. I’m sure she’d love to hear that.” Her tone was deliberately wounding and she hated herself for it, but the teachings of the Jedi were beyond her reach at the moment. She was hurt, her heart was bleeding, and she wanted his to do so too.

[organicmeatbag.livejournal.com]

Revan bit down on his lip to keep from snapping and took a moment to regain his calm, not falling prey to Bastila's strikes just yet.

"No, I'm not blaming her. I take responsiblity for what I've done," and he always has. "I slept with Kira, I fell in love with her, and I hurt you and I am sorry for that. I didn't set out to do so though."

[jedi-bastila.livejournal.com]

Bastila didn’t want to hear anything else. His words cut too deep. She wanted him to go away, treacherous bastard that he was, and to leave her alone. What did he need her for? Forgiveness? He could forget it; she wasn’t forgiving him, not just yet. She didn’t know if she ever could. She hoped so, because it was the Jedi’s way, but… This pain drove her further from the Jedi’s path, further from the ideal she had leaned towards her whole life. She hated him for that, too, despite how ironic it was. She was heartbroken and scared, and it was all his fault.

“What do you want, Revan?” she asked once more, her voice tired.

[organicmeatbag.livejournal.com]

"I don't know," he murmured, his voice mirroring her own. And it was true: he didn't know what he wanted. He didn't expect for her to forgive him yet. He didn't even know why he was trying so soon. But he missed her and he wanted to speak to her. That was all.

"I should be content. I'm marrying a woman I love, she's having my children, and we've bought a house. I should be excited, and part of me is, but...the one person that I used to be able to talk to about anything, that I want to share the news with most, doesn't even want to hear a word I have to say."

[jedi-bastila.livejournal.com]

Marriage? He was getting married to the Exile? Bastila shouldn’t be surprised – they were expecting a child after all, it was

Wait, what? Children? He’d said children, she hadn’t misunderstood.

Bastila, who’d been standing in front of her holotransceiver since the beginning of the conversation, shuffling on her feet but otherwise not moving, sat down abruptly in the nearest chair after bringing it to her with the Force. Marriage. Children. House. Revan and the Exile…

She knew that she probably wasn’t clearly visible through the holotransceiver in her new position, but she didn’t care. “You’ve made your choice, Revan,” she sighed.

Congratulations might have been in order, but she certainly hoped that no one expected her to offer them.

[organicmeatbag.livejournal.com]

Revan slumped down into his own chair - an uncomfortable one, not that he noticed, in the communications hub aboard the Hawk - at her words, sighing.

Made his choice, she had said. It had been an ultimatum with Kira back then and it had been one with Bastila now.

"Is that it then? We go our separate ways and never speak to one another again?"

[jedi-bastila.livejournal.com]

“You can’t seriously expect me to quietly listen to you talk about the woman you replaced me with, Revan?”

What did he think would happen? She couldn’t say that she would never speak to him again, she knew it was impossible, but right now it did feel tempting. Damn the man for trying to make her feel guilty about needing time to deal with the blow he’d given her.

[organicmeatbag.livejournal.com]

Revan scrubbed at his face, muffling a groan. He was exhausted now, this was exhausting. "When I said that I had meant to say that I wished things had gone a better way and that I hadn't hurt you as much as I had. And that you then would still be willing to hear me out."

And then he softened his tone, though it had not been hard at all before, as he added, "I didn't replace you. No one can replace you. I'm sorry for what I did and how I hurt you. I am."

[jedi-bastila.livejournal.com]

“Well, things went the way they did and you did hurt me and you have no right to call me and ask me to listen to your qualms.” His apologies had got the opposite results than he had been aiming for, angering her instead of calming her. No one could replace her, right. She wasn’t the one he was marrying, was she? She wasn’t the one expecting his child - children, she corrected, still unable to proceed everything he’d told her.

“Go back to her, Revan. Don’t call again.”

[organicmeatbag.livejournal.com]

Frustration replaced his calm, the twisting of words and barbs getting to him, and he stopped thinking about what to say, wondering whether it'd be the wrong or right thing, and said the first thing that came to mind: "My 'qualms'? 'Go back to her'? What, you think I'm calling because I'm having misgivings about the choice I made?"

[jedi-bastila.livejournal.com]

That’s not what she’d meant, no. She considered opening up to their Bond once more, to show him what she felt, what she meant, but discarded the idea quickly. She wanted to preserve her dignity.

“No, Revan,” she began to explain. “No, I was referring to your regrets about me and what you’ve done to me.” She didn’t explain what she’d meant by ‘go back to her,’ as it was rather obvious in her opinion. Go back to her for comfort, don’t come to me for it.

[organicmeatbag.livejournal.com]

Revan leaned back in his chair with a sigh, frustration creeping away for now and his calm returning. He thought on why he called her to answer her earlier question. And he had punched in her codes at first because he missed her and wanted to see her, but the truth of the matter was there were two reasons why he went through with the call.

"I called to...apologize and to learn whether or not if it was futile to hope that we might have a friendship again at some point. That was all." He paused, sitting forward once more, and lowered his voice as he asked, "Is it futile to hope that?"

Though his voice might not relay it, he was giving her an ultimatum now. She could tell him to never call again, end the transmission, and he would do as she asked. He'd never contact her again. But if that was not the case, then he'd keeping fighting.

[jedi-bastila.livejournal.com]

A friendship… That was a good question. She didn’t know if they could ever get back to something worth the name of friendship, but she certainly hoped that the pain would dull off eventually. That she would be able to talk to him without bitterness.

“I wouldn’t be a very good Jedi if I said ‘no, there’s no chance,’ would I?” Restless, she distractedly reached for the band that held her hair up and untied it, letting her hair fall loose on her shoulders.

“Give me more time, though, Revan.”

[organicmeatbag.livejournal.com]

Releasing the breath he’d been holding at her answer, he nodded, satisfied with her response. It was not much, but it was better than having her end the transmission. "I can do that. I can give you more time."

And he would, if that was what she truly wanted and needed. He had thought that two months would have been enough to tamper down the worst of the anger that she might have felt toward him, but – and, yes, there are times he'll admit to being wrong – perhaps he should have gave her a little more time to begin with.

[jedi-bastila.livejournal.com]

All of Bastila’s anger and resentment had died down, leaving only exhaustion in its wake. “You can write to me instead of calling,” she suggested. Messages gave more time to think about what to write, and she could always wait until she was in a better mind frame to reply, lowering the risk of making things worse. “I can’t promise to always reply immediately, but I’ll read them, and eventually reply.”

It was the best she could offer for now. It was safer. And she wouldn’t face his sad beautiful eyes the way she did now.

[organicmeatbag.livejournal.com]

"I'll write then," and he will. Though he prefered dealing with most matters in person if he could, he'd write to her if it was easier for her.

And, he had to admit, it was rather difficult to face her. After all, she was an attractive woman that he had been in an intimate relationship with and those feelings, while faded, were not easily forgotten so it pained him to see her hurting.

[jedi-bastila.livejournal.com]

“I’ll wait for your letter, then,” Bastila said quietly. She watched Revan’s holographic face, too shaken to move. Revan. It was heartbreaking to see him once more… Yet, it probably was a good thing, as well. It was so hard to sort through all her thoughts and feelings now. She needed time; time and meditation.

“Bye, Revan,” she finally said, getting up and reaching for the holotransceiver console, waiting for his own goodbye to end the call.

[organicmeatbag.livejournal.com]

"I'll write soon," he murmured, adding in a quick goodbye and ending the transmission before he'd hesitate over doing so. He was relieved that the call had gone the way it had and he didn't want to ruin it by saying anything more.