[M-OOM] Milliways

[organicmeatbag]

Up the stairs Revan goes, two at once to catch up to Bastila. He doesn't call out to stop her though. He actually has no idea why he's following her or what he could possibly say to her anymore.

So maybe that makes him a bit masochistic then, as he rounds the corner in time to see her disappear into her room. It's not only hurting her to keep at this, after all. Or maybe he just doesn't want to give up that easily. They might not have known each other very long – only six years at the most (and he was gone for four of those) – but they have too much history to try and not salvage what friendship they could still have.

In any case, he reaches her door as it closes, coming to a stop as the lock clicks into place. He raises his hand to knock.



Only, he hesitates as a thought comes to mind. He rests his forehead against the doorframe, dropping the barriers he'd put up and opening himself to their Bond instead.

Comments

[organicmeatbag.livejournal.com]

And sparring.

He projects that next, feeling her resistance and ignoring it.

They used to practice all the time together, both closed off from and open to the Force. They knew every movement the other was going to make and how in sync their attacks had been.

It had been new to him, never having anyone – except maybe Malak – know him so well.

[jedi-bastila.livejournal.com]

And yet another memory.

Bastila can't help but smile at this one. She misses sparring with him. For years, while he was gone in the Unknown Regions, she kept attempting to reach him through their Force Bond before every training session. It had been a reflex, it had been wishful thinking.

And it had all stopped when he did come back... with a pregnant fiancée in tow.

Argh.

She could put her shields up, block him off. She probably should.

But she can't.

[organicmeatbag.livejournal.com]

His thought of Malak brings up the next memory.

He was crying – the first time he ever broke down and cried in front of her – because he had just remembered how much of a friend Malak had been. How he wasn't just some Sith Lord to Revan, but a friend. A friend that he, in the end, had murdered.

She was there for him that day and he can never thank her enough for that.

[jedi-bastila.livejournal.com]

Bastila stares at the door, behind which she knows Revan is standing, sending her all these memories through their Force Bond. Bond which hasn't been open for such a length of time in... years. Before he left for the Unknown Regions.

The next memory comes, as she'd known it would and has steeled herself for. Nothing can prepare her for memories of Malak though. The mere name brings up so much. This moment when Revan had been crying in her arms, but also her own stint as Malak's apprentice. The feel of it, the anger and the rage and the strength and, at the same time, the weakness of it all.

Revan had brought her back. Like she'd brought him back, in a way.

It was all so long ago now. He'd chosen a different life for himself.

And he was telling her that she ought to do the same. She knew it. It was easier said than done, though.

[organicmeatbag.livejournal.com]

There were so many more memories he could share. He could spend all night outside her door (though his family might not care for that too much), reliving each and every one of them. But he stops then, deciding to end it on that one and pulling away from her door. He doesn't leave. He waits to see what she'll do first.

[jedi-bastila.livejournal.com]

When the next memory doesn't come, Bastila reaches out through the Force Bond, wondering what he was preparing now. Nothing, she finds out. Nothing but waiting for her next move.

She has no idea what her next move will be.

She sits on her bed, in this impersonal room, staring at the door and, more precisely, at Revan on the other side of it. He's waiting for her next move. Part of her wants to put up her shields and shut him out. Another part of her wants to open the door. There's a part of her that wishes things could take a certain route from that point on, but she knows it will never happen again and so that part is quickly silenced.

She sighs.

And unlock the door with the Force, mentally inviting Revan to come in.

All along wondering what she's doing.

[organicmeatbag.livejournal.com]

An invite in? Well, that's progress.

Revan pushes the door open, peering around it. He sees Bastila sitting on the edge of her bed and he takes another step into the room. He doesn't know what to expect, not really, but he's never been one to be afraid before.

"Hey," he murmurs, closing the door and leaning against it.

[jedi-bastila.livejournal.com]

Bastila, sitting cross-legged on the bed, doesn't move as the door opens and Revan walks in. She's still unsure whether she's made the right decision by inviting him in, but it's too late to change her mind now: he's here.

"Hi," she begins, rather unnecessarily as they've been discussing - vocally or mentally - for a while now. "We used to look into your memories to help you find them back," she says, mentally adding not to use them as arguments in a fight.

[organicmeatbag.livejournal.com]

"Desperate measures," he says coolly, shrugging. How else was he supposed to break through to her? She wasn't exactly listening when he was talking.

[jedi-bastila.livejournal.com]

"It worked, I listened," Bastila admits. She's still confused though, and so she decides to be blunt and ask him. "What do you want, Revan? Downstairs, you said you didn't want my approval or my forgiveness. What do you want, then?"

[organicmeatbag.livejournal.com]

Revan sighs, head banging back against the door when he looks up at the ceiling. "I never said I didn't want your forgiveness, I said I didn't need it. And I said it out of frustration because I was trying to be honest and you were...twisting everything I was saying."

He draws his gaze back to her. "I'm not looking for anything now. I said what I wanted to say downstairs: for you to know how I had felt back then. I followed you up here because you could've at least acknowledged it."

[jedi-bastila.livejournal.com]

Annoyance and shame fights within Bastila. Annoyance that he can't just let her be. But mostly, shame that she can't let it go.

"I thought I'd acknowledged it, but maybe it wasn't clear," she begins. "I'm relieved that you did have some feelings for me back when we were together. I'd been lead to believe otherwise by our previous conversation, and it had hurt a lot."

Somehow, this conversation leaves her feeling even more exposed than when their Force Bond is open and he can read her. Maybe because she must speak out loud, formally acknowledging everything.

"Revan, I want you to know... I don't like how bitter and angry I've been since your return. I do try to let it go and get over it. I really do. So, yes, I just want you to know: I'm not purposefully holding on to my grudge, it's just not so easy to let go."

[organicmeatbag.livejournal.com]

"I know it's hard." He does know. He does. "But I've only been trying to help by being honest. I guess though, it's not always that helpful," he finishes saying in a murmur.

[jedi-bastila.livejournal.com]

"It's helpful when we understand the same thing," she corrects him. "In our previous conversation, I understood that you had never felt anything more for than for a sister. That you'd forced yourself to be with me. That misunderstanding was unhelpful, not your honesty."

[organicmeatbag.livejournal.com]

Revan frowns. "I would have thought that what I meant was obvious though. Why would you think I had to force myself to be with you?"

He really doesn't understand why she would have thought that. Did she think that little of herself or did she think he was that good at acting and hiding his feeling from her when he was with her? Or did it have to do with the way he told her? He thought he had made it clear enough.

[jedi-bastila.livejournal.com]

"When I asked why you said that you loved me, in the Star Forge, when you had apparently already fallen for Kira, you answered that it was because it was the only way to save me."

How could she have understood anything else? He'd said that he'd been with her only to save her from herself, not because he'd wanted to be.

[organicmeatbag.livejournal.com]

"Was there another way? Maybe there was," he muses, shrugging. "I never meant for it to sound like I was only saying that to save you though. I saved you because I loved you."

[jedi-bastila.livejournal.com]

"I guess anger clouded my reason, that day, and made me hear something worse than you meant," she admits.

Which is not an easy admission to make for her. She wonders if Revan realizes it.

[organicmeatbag.livejournal.com]

He does realize it. He offers a small smile for it. That, and for the fact their talking, not arguing. "Thank you, for admitting that and letting me in."

[jedi-bastila.livejournal.com]

Their Force Bond is still open and it doesn't hurt as it used to. Bastila wonders if they could slowly work towards keeping it open more often than not. Step by step, of course - it would be difficult if not impossible to reopen it permanently right away, after all.

She submits the idea to Revan through their Force Bond, wondering what he'll think of it.

[organicmeatbag.livejournal.com]

Revan nods his assent. It seems like a good idea. Plus, he was never exactly hiding from her in the first place.

[jedi-bastila.livejournal.com]

"How should we work towards it?" she asks. "How often and how long should we keep it open, when would be good times...?"

[organicmeatbag.livejournal.com]

So many questions and planning for something that should be simple.

They'll work through it though.