[C-OOM] Nothing Settled
Nov. 11th, 2006 10:38 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
organicmeatbag[Contains SPOILERS for the game, Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic. Also contains quotes taken directly from the Knights of the Old Republic game and are the property of their respective owners. Quotes appear here for the sole purpose of role-playing, from which no profit whatsoever is being made. No copyright infringement intended.]
As soon as he is in the short hall leading to the port dormitory, out of sight from the main hold where the others still talk, he reaches out in the Force, through their bond, for Bastila because he needs to know if she's alive. Even though Jolee said Malak would have kept her alive, he needs to know for certain.
There is nothing but an onslaught of pain though; torture and pain through the connection and he immediately collapses against the wall, hand sliding across the metal as he drops to his knees and gasps for breath. It hurts, but it means she was alive.
And it had hurt before when Saul Karath, one of Malak's subordinates, had tortured Bastila in front of him on the Leviathan but this was different.
Opening to it through their bond, it was different, and he shuts his eyes against it but doesn't block it out. Couldn't block it out even if he wanted to because it was his fault Malak had her. Each twist of anguish he feels through the bond rips at his heart and he deserves to feel it.
Vaguely, he hears the others moving off from the main hold and he rises, unsteadily, to his feet to stumble the rest of the way to the port dormitory. He doesn't want any of them to see, would never let them see. And when he has the privacy of the dormitory to himself, he sags against one of the bunks, fingers curling into the sheets at another wave of pain, and hangs on until all he can feel is numb.
And when he thinks she has been rendered unconscious, no more pain coursing through the bond, or the distance too great between them now to feel her, he lets go.
His fingers disentangle from the sheets and he breathes. He backs away from the bunk until he is pressed against the wall, knees drawn to his chest like a child.
Still broken, though he thought he was past that, and torn. Torn between who he was and, as Mission had said, who he is now. Torn, also, between two women because even as he thinks of Bastila, and wants to kill Malak for hurting her, his mind drifts to Kira, who he left with no warning and might never see again.
No time had past here but he had lived outside this time, with Kira, and what if he could never go back? It makes his head hurt to think about it. And to think that while he slept with another woman, Bastila was about to sacrifice herself for him, for the others, so that someone could go on to find the last Star Map and find the Star Forge to destroy it.
He wonders, almost hopes that the place never existed because it would make things so much easier, and he could chalk the memories up as some delusion in the heat of battle, but it felt real.
It felt real. He could still feel the stimcaf in his veins, the comfort of the bed in his room at Milliways, the marks that Kira left. To him, it was real.
He buries his head in his hands, trying to stop the oncoming thoughts and headache, and frowns. "You can’t do anything about either of them now," he murmurs, aloud. All that mattered was finding the Star Forge and stopping Malak; he would deal with all other things as they came up because there are some things not even the best strategist can plan for. He may never even be able to go back to that place.
Standing, he runs fingers through his hair and straightens his clothes, attempting to straighten himself out before he faces the others again. He wants to ask Canderous some questions, see if Mission can make some more security spikes, and maybe have HK-47 make some grenades, if the droid could, – and he is not even going to begin to think about how HK-47 is here and stuck in the bar at the same time – because they'll be coming up on Korriban soon enough.
He takes another moment to gather himself, another deep breath, before he heads out of the dormitory.
As soon as he is in the short hall leading to the port dormitory, out of sight from the main hold where the others still talk, he reaches out in the Force, through their bond, for Bastila because he needs to know if she's alive. Even though Jolee said Malak would have kept her alive, he needs to know for certain.
There is nothing but an onslaught of pain though; torture and pain through the connection and he immediately collapses against the wall, hand sliding across the metal as he drops to his knees and gasps for breath. It hurts, but it means she was alive.
And it had hurt before when Saul Karath, one of Malak's subordinates, had tortured Bastila in front of him on the Leviathan but this was different.
Opening to it through their bond, it was different, and he shuts his eyes against it but doesn't block it out. Couldn't block it out even if he wanted to because it was his fault Malak had her. Each twist of anguish he feels through the bond rips at his heart and he deserves to feel it.
Vaguely, he hears the others moving off from the main hold and he rises, unsteadily, to his feet to stumble the rest of the way to the port dormitory. He doesn't want any of them to see, would never let them see. And when he has the privacy of the dormitory to himself, he sags against one of the bunks, fingers curling into the sheets at another wave of pain, and hangs on until all he can feel is numb.
And when he thinks she has been rendered unconscious, no more pain coursing through the bond, or the distance too great between them now to feel her, he lets go.
His fingers disentangle from the sheets and he breathes. He backs away from the bunk until he is pressed against the wall, knees drawn to his chest like a child.
Still broken, though he thought he was past that, and torn. Torn between who he was and, as Mission had said, who he is now. Torn, also, between two women because even as he thinks of Bastila, and wants to kill Malak for hurting her, his mind drifts to Kira, who he left with no warning and might never see again.
No time had past here but he had lived outside this time, with Kira, and what if he could never go back? It makes his head hurt to think about it. And to think that while he slept with another woman, Bastila was about to sacrifice herself for him, for the others, so that someone could go on to find the last Star Map and find the Star Forge to destroy it.
He wonders, almost hopes that the place never existed because it would make things so much easier, and he could chalk the memories up as some delusion in the heat of battle, but it felt real.
It felt real. He could still feel the stimcaf in his veins, the comfort of the bed in his room at Milliways, the marks that Kira left. To him, it was real.
He buries his head in his hands, trying to stop the oncoming thoughts and headache, and frowns. "You can’t do anything about either of them now," he murmurs, aloud. All that mattered was finding the Star Forge and stopping Malak; he would deal with all other things as they came up because there are some things not even the best strategist can plan for. He may never even be able to go back to that place.
Standing, he runs fingers through his hair and straightens his clothes, attempting to straighten himself out before he faces the others again. He wants to ask Canderous some questions, see if Mission can make some more security spikes, and maybe have HK-47 make some grenades, if the droid could, – and he is not even going to begin to think about how HK-47 is here and stuck in the bar at the same time – because they'll be coming up on Korriban soon enough.
He takes another moment to gather himself, another deep breath, before he heads out of the dormitory.
